As I write this, Mother's Day is approaching. I was not deemed to be a mother in they physical sense, but feel I have been a mother to several girls in a needy sort of way. Perhaps, this was God's plan for me instead of having a daughter of my own, which I always thought I would. I am a surrogate mother for girls who need advice and would prefer, for a host of different reasons, rather not go to their own mother.
It may seem that all has been rosy for me and the girls and that things worked out for the best, but I still have a mother-issue swimming in my head.
First of all, my mother and mother in law are not at all alike- so never the two shall meet. I love them both for different reasons, but Mother's Day is so stressful as I argue with my husband on how to handle each mother separately. He and my mom get along, but not in a family sort of way, just as an acquaintance. So each year the same issue arises and it seems the same arguement ensues.
To complicate matters further, we each have a sister who is also a mother!
Once again, I will schedule one mother for lunch and one for dinner so everyone stays happy. I feel like the peacekeeper of the two families.I simply remember “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” (Rom. 12:18, NLT)
Wise words were never truer!

difficult relationship

I relate to junk. Old stuff. Discarded. Unwanted. Trash. No longer treasured. Whatever your term, I am drawn to it like a moth to a flame. As I was perusing the tables of “used” items the other day, I began to ponder my love for all things rejected. You see, I decorate my house – my life – with these items. The items that someone else discarded and deemed worthless are the very items that bring beauty into my world. As I looked at the table of discarded items, God gently spoke to my heart about my love for all things rejected, pitched, tossed, discarded.
You see, that is often how I feel. Rejected, Discarded. Unwanted. Trash. One of but many people that have been laid aside, told I was not good enough, that I had no value. Did it start when I was laughed at in class? Or maybe when I failed to make it into the coveted “in crowd?” What was the result of that message of rejection? Anger, hurt, and the burning desire to prove my worth. The harder I tried, the more pitiful I looked. I was aching to be accepted. I learned to loathe myself as much as I believed others did. What did this loathing of self look like to an outsider? Destructive behavior, unkind words, anger, and a callous “I don’t care” attitude. Oh, but I did care! I longed to be one of the “beautiful people.” But it was not to be – at least not then.
Flash forward – past some very turbulent adult years – still seeking to prove my worth. And still, finding only brokenness, shattered dreams, and hurts. The more I tried to fit in, the more of me I lost. I prostituted myself for acceptance. And got what all prostitutes get at the end of the day: nothing but hurt, pain, loneliness. And all brought on by my own hand, by my own choices.
All the while, my heavenly Father was waiting for me. He actually wanted me. He saw value in me. And he waited patiently for me – allowing disappointment after disappointment. He blocked every avenue and attempt I made to be accepted. Not because he was punishing me but because he loves me. And he had heard my cry, my plea for acceptance. He heard my cry as a six year old child who wanted salvation. He heard my cry as a confused teenager. He heard my cry as an angry teenager. And he heard the many pleas cried out of the pit of depression and despair. He heard it all. He was with me through it all. He was accepting of me through it all. And he was not willing to leave me behind, even when I was so incredibly unlovable.
So today I praise my Father in heaven for that rejection. That rejection birthed in me a desire to be unconditionally loved – to be accepted by someone, somewhere. And while that desire often brought about much destructive behavior in my life and left in its path many broken relationships, it also led me back to my first Love: Jesus. It led me to the only One whose acceptance matters. He told me I was wanted, valued, accepted, beautiful. And it wasn’t a trick: He means it.
If you are reading this and you know me, then you know how unlovable I am. But maybe you are reading this and you can relate to my story. If so, I pray that God would show you that He is in the restoration business – the ultimate “Fixer Upper.” He delights in accepting those the world has discarded. He delights in taking my trash, my ashes, and giving beauty in return. And he longs to do the same for you. No matter where you have been, what you have done, who you have hurt, or who has hurt you. He can redeem it all. If you will let him.
So, I will continue to peruse tables filled with discarded items, and continue to decorate my home with those items. I also pray that God grant me the opportunity to decorate my life with the hurting, rejected people around me. May I keep my ears open to the cries from humanity around me that are longing to be accepted. May I constantly remember that rejection can birth ugly behavior in others, masking their true beauty. May I remember where God has brought me from, and how ugly I myself can be. And if given the opportunity, I hope to introduce them to my Jesus. Not religion. Not rules. Not morality. But Jesus. And in that relationship they will find, as I have, all they have been longing for: peace, acceptance, and freedom. After all, isn’t that what we all long for?


loss/grief

2009 New Year/Jan: I start out determined that I will be ‘purposeful’ in all things that I do in every area of my life for 2009. This especially after what I considered a less than stellar 2008 and a shakey 2007.

Feb – May: All chaos breaks out at work, my physical body and my car all at once. I start suffering from excruciating upper shoulder pain and I am convinced it is a pinched nerve. I have no medical benefits therefore I rely on the generosity of my friends to pray and share the strong muscle relaxers!

My employers have not been able to pay staff and payroll has been interrupted for 2 months. I am now in a real pinch financially. I found myself one weekend where I sold most of my used dvds for extra cash. Found ten dollars worth of coins in my kitchen cabinet. I used Coin star at Wal-Mart for first time so I could receive cash and use that to put gas in my car. I then proceed to drive to a used dvd store and sell my dvds while my shoulder was in agony. Not a classy moment.

Prior to that non-classy weekend, I saw my car on a tow truck three separate times within the same week. At that point, I was ready to trade my car for a working tow truck. My car battery problem is resolved (thanks to God first and then Honda).

A few weeks later, my car is vandalized – I find all four wheels gone! That’s right my car is on four cement blocks! I am shocked and convinced that I must be dreaming. I am originally from New York City. It takes me off guard that a quiet Florida residential neighborhood could have this type of vandalism and it is my car (only mine) with nothing special on the wheels that is targeted. I now have to file a police report. Police officer asked me if I had any enemies, a neighbor asks the same thing... I told cop yes - I do have an enemy... he has a pitchfork and a tail! He smiled and obviously understood the reference.

One week later, my employer finally realizes we must all file for unemployment. We are also evicted from our work building for lack of payment on our building lease.

June/July: No job, on unemployment and behind bills. I feel betrayed by my employers after all the hard work that we put into this company. I indulge in a few pity parties where I was hitting the chips and salsa. I now start helping out my former co-workers as a consultant for their new start up Production Company. This helps to keep my mind occupied with creative work.

Aug: My dear grandmother suffers a massive stroke. While visiting my sick grammy at the hospice, my car is burglarized. That’s right you are reading correctly. No need to backtrack and think I am repeating a line. Someone shatters one of my rear car windows. They stole my two tote bags that I had forgotten to put in the car trunk and in my rush I had placed them on the back seat. My bags included a good amount of clothes including my funeral clothes. I now head out to Wal-mart (again!) to shop at 12 midnight for underwear with my mom. I sarcastically wonder if the new window will match my “used tires and rims”. I used duct tape to attach a large black garbage bag around my back window until the new glass arrived. My car now looks like a pirate with an eye patch for a few days.

I tell my mom that I want to hold on to grammy so that when she goes to heaven I can sneak in with her – only because at this point I am quite over it. I am also saddened to see my Godly grandmother deteriorate physically. I don’t want her to suffer but I also want to keep her with us. I was always so blessed by her prayers and her wisdom. On a late Sunday afternoon on Aug. 9, 2009, my grammy meets Jesus face to face at age 97. I know I will see her again one day and what a privilege having had her in my life.

Sept: I am now suffering from excruciating tooth pain for a week. I feel like my face will fall off! My cousin had previously given me some extra painkillers and antibiotics which I immediately started to take. I still managed to have my morning café con leche with a twirler straw. I also realize it is not easy trying to find dental insurance on your own.

One week later, my car gets repossessed. One of the worst 7 days (after losing my grammy and job) of 2009! I was running behind on my car payments thanks to not getting paid earlier in the year and was unable to catch up. Standing in front of my empty parking space – I felt the blood drain from my face and humiliated as I walked back to my apartment. Within a week, I was able to get my car back thankfully with a good amount of effort from my dwindling bank account, family and friends.

When I arrived to pick up my car at the repo place, my car looked like it had traveled through time. There were tons of leaves on the car, thick dust and some stuff growing on the car antenna. I was dumbfounded and proceeded to laugh. It was more like a straight-jacket type of laughter, I was waiting for people in white lab coats to pick me up. My friend stood there shaking his head at the sight of my car. I am still very thankful that I had my car back. The repo situation depletes my funds. I now have no choice but to sell most of my furniture on craigslist in order to raise cash for my rent.

Oct/Nov: I receive a call from a youth mission organization that received my resume (not high pay but I am very excited) It is a unique opportunity to oversee operations for missions in Latin America. They fly me to Texas, I go through the interviews which had included a detailed questionnaire and phone screening. I provide great work references and I still don’t get the job! Another pity party and more chips and salsa. A door opens wide and then slams shut and I don’t know why. Now I am spending many hours looking through job boards and my eyeballs feel like they will pop. I also will not be renewing my lease so I will have to move.

Dec: Moving preparations are now in the works. I will proceed to stay with family until further notice. I am tired of boxes, storage and piles! I hear Christmas songs on the TV commercials and retailers desperate to get our dollars. I can’t even think about gifts at this point. How can it be? Holidays approaching so soon again? Indeed, a fast and furious year has gone by.

….oh did I mention I’m single too (helloooo!)

Above reads like a disaster movie on Lifetime. For every moment of despair, it was followed by a good amount of tears with an ability to keep standing but not by my own strength. I prayed, my friends and family prayed. Praying for “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:7) NIV

So back to my first entry. I wanted to be purposeful in 2009. Not exactly how I envisioned the definition of purpose for myself. Not quite the mental picture I had in mind for my 2009.

So what will be my first journal entry for 2010? I am purposeful…. because
“I can do everything (what he has assigned for me) through him who gives me strength”. (Phil 4:13) NIV

This past year alone there were times when my knees buckled. Remember the Israelites and how terrified they must have felt when they saw Pharaoh’s army charging toward them and they were trapped with their backs against the wall or the ‘sea’ in this case? Moses shouts to them... “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again” (Exodus 4:13) NIV

Think about the ominous red sea’s in our lives that we cannot figure how we can possibly cross? That rent coming up, the medical bill that hasn’t been paid, not enough of “you” as a person to go around, pressure mounting at work or at home. We know in some way or fashion God will make a way – will part the raging waters, or as a friend said to me this year, “Girl! If God doesn’t part the red sea, it’s because we will walk on water!”

Whether it is walking on water as Peter did or walking on dry ground, I will continue to walk in purpose based on the plans that God has laid out for me. “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.. (Jer 29:11) NIV.

I have wondered “God are you sure I’m included in your plans? From where I am standing it appears I have been left behind somewhere along the road. I trust that I have that hope and that future not because I say it, but because God’s word says it.

“The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.” (PS 138:8) NIV.
Page 4.

What a relief! How can I give up? He will not abandon me. I am still learning there is purpose even in the most trying seasons of my life. God is working in the midst of what appears as utter chaos. Do I believe that everything above was coincidental? I recognize that the non stop problems served to try to beat out of me any flicker of hope, strength and most of all determination that I had. I am not going to analyze what God allows – but God is in control and he knows what we are surrounded by in the spiritual realm. Did it threaten my belief system? Yes. Did I have to read and re-read his word while blinking back tears and swallowing hard? Yes. Were there days that I felt completely exhausted. Yes. There are a lot of “yess-es” and I can continue to go on and on but that is not the purpose.

The purpose is that by sharing my personal experience of my 2009, there is someone out there who will be encouraged to know that God will never fail you in the worst of your times. As 2010 approaches, I have no idea what this year will bring to my life or others. I have a friend who recently posted this on her Facebook status: “I’m ready for 2010. Where's my jet pack? The escalator sidewalks? My personal robot? When are the JETSONS going to come to pass”?

I laughed out loud on that one. We certainly don’t have personal robots or our own jet packs for that speedy travel experience; nope we still have to rely on planes, trains and automobiles (especially in my case). I can only hope to continue to transport myself into Gods arms and remind myself that I am engraved in the palm of his mighty hand no matter what comes my way. I have his promises to hold in my heart. God will strengthen my feet to keep me walking toward the fulfillment of his purpose for me in many New Years to come “The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.” (Hab. 3:19) NIV

Let us just pray that my car holds up!

Loss/Grief

loss/grief

My story begins when i was only 17, my mother got sick
suddenly... then the doctors told my father she had 6 months to live. Hard to remember my reaction: shock and
disbelief? I remember telling on of my High school teachers and she told me how very sad it was and how it would change my life. I did not know then but she was right. I was not able to say good-bye to my Mom as she
was in a coma not able to recognize anyone. It was decided for me that they would "pull the plug on the machine that was keeping her alive. One day after scholl I came home to my Father and Brother in tears. My mother had died and i would never see her again. I missed her smiling face and her upbeat attitude. Everyone loved Dot and she was gone. Life went on, college came and it was another time of change, new city, new friends. New love. Summer came and i was in love. Telling my Father I was giong to meet my boyfriends parents in Denver. He wanted us to go to "Vegas" that summer. Made the unpopular choice to go to Colorado. That trip never happended. Woke up one morning to find my Father slumped in the apt. bathroom. Massive heart attack the paramedics told me. My father the robust, tall, strong Military man was gone. Life was hard, so much pain, so many tears. Back to college, reluctantly... The boyfriend was gone, too much pain to handle. But this was my pain, why was I being punished? How many people can you lose before you break down. Lots of alcohol, no healing for the HUGE hole in my heart. Stumbles into a church with a girlfriend. Not really wanting to listen.... too much pain. I am self-destructing but a tiny part of me wants to live, to be happy to have "something" fill the cold lonley place in the heart with the gaping hole in it. I hear about peace, love, a saviour to change you. someone to help me? Do i want help? i have a propostion: help me and i will believe in you. Answer the WHY question and i will go to church. A deal is made. A prayer said in desperation on a drenched with tears dorm room bed.

Life is better, not without ups and downs. Mistakes are made but Faith prevails. Life moves on. Faith grows and then ANOTHER loss. The brother told by my father to look out for me. He is clinically depressed, the Alcohol takes over. Relationship is so strained. Call from my sister-in-law. He has taken his own life ON CHRISTMAS EVE. World is shattered with pain.... again. The Light is always there. My friend, saviour, helper of grand proportions NEVER EVER leaves me.

I am loved, grateful even thru all this loss. I am the Strong one after all. Not me really..... its ONLY Jesus the strong one living in me. Each day, every breath is a gift from HIM. Want to encourage others to keep on living and breathing even thru the pain. This is my story and my pearl is a lovely shade of pink. Thanks to God my redeemer and heart healer.

loss/grief

We had always noticed that our Mom & Dad gave each other cards on every occasion and signed "Love Always". We did not ask why, but at my fathers funeral Dec92) we found out that this was their signature because their Song was "I'll Be Loving You Always." I had always loved that song but never connected it to my parents. They had been marriad almost 52 yrs when my father passed away. Hospic keep my Dad out (cancer) most of time but whenever he woke up he would call for my Mom and she would sit on the bed and hold his hand. After my Moms death in July 06 my sister and I went through her boxes of letters and cards and all were signed Love Always. Our baby brother passed away in 2003 of Leiomeyersarcoma, (rare & deadly cancer) but he was as loving & giving as our father. Everyone loved Ronnie as they had my Dad. Love Always...

loss/grief

Seven years ago our beloved fifteen-year old granddaughter, Tiffany, was diagnosed with 4th stage Hodgkin Lymphoma cancer. Tiff who was at that time leading a Stonecroft Bible Study for her peers … began a journey, which was to include chemo, radiation, and finally remission. Two years later she was diagnosed once again with cancer, this time with Leukemia. Her only recourse was to receive a bone marrow transplant. Oct 3, 2003 Tiff began a 3½-month sojourn in Doernbecher Children’s hospital in Portland, Oregon that would end Jan. 24th, 2004 with her graduation to heaven. I would be beside myself if I did not know I would see Tiffany again! When she was 8 years old she gave her life to Christ at my dining room table! I had been doing the homework for my Bible Study and the lesson told how you could know God in a personal way. I shared this with Tiffany who had been setting watching me as I worked on my lesson. She very simply and easily accepted Jesus as her personal Savior! Hours later as we were riding down the road in my car, I looked over and saw tears sliding down Tiff’s cheeks. I said “Oh honey, why are you crying?” She said in a voice just above a whisper, “Oh grandma, it should have been me on the cross!” As young as she was she had understood that Jesus had stood in her place on the cross paying the penalty for her sins so she could stand in His place forgiven. Tiff was a new creation!

Years later as her cancer progressed she had surrendered herself and the disease to Christ for whatever that was to mean! Do I miss her? You bet, more than life itself! But now she knows personally, what we only can experience by faith!

During my journey with God I have seen good things and what often “appear” as bad things, intersect in our lives. But I am learning through them ALL to “be still and know that God is in control” Then I am able to experience God’s peace even in the storm. His word that says I will never, no never, no never, leave or forsake you has become my anchor and stay! I don’t know about tomorrow, but I do KNOW God holds my hand, and He is in charge of the journey now…


loss/grief

Several months ago, we set about to choose a name for the little girl we knew we were expecting to welcome into our family.

We (ok, I...) poured through baby name books and began making lists. And then I stumbled upon a name that meant, simply: PEARL.

My heartbeat quickened and I drew in a deep breath. Surely this was to be her name. I ran it by my husband, who happened to like the name anyway, so it was decided. We have called her by name ever since.

So, why PEARL? Besides conjuring up an image of someone's 85 year old grandma or high tea at some elite country club, what could possibly mean so much to me about a name that means PEARL?

The seed, as it were, was planted about eight years ago, when I began working for a very well known jewelry company. As exquisite pearls were one of my company's greatest claims to gemstone fame, I immersed myself into books, courses and observation on how these beautiful "stones" were formed.

Little did I know how that information would serve as my inspiration several years down the road.

My first pregnancy was an absolute fiasco. I was no good at being pregnant and decided quickly after my son's birth that one child was enough for us. We didn't want to be disobedient to God's plans for our family, but we absolutely COULD NOT imagine going through another nine months of that kind of overwhelming illness and emotional darkness ever again. After much prayer and discussion throughout the next four years, we rested in a place of contentment with our little family of three.

And then, we became swept up in the current of excitement created by my brother and his wife's desire to begin their family. It wasn't until weeks after we received the good news that we would be expecting a new niece or nephew that I began to become suspicious of some signs my body seemed to be shouting out at me. I took a pregnancy test and... SURPRISE... found out that we, too, would be adding to our little family.

This was not planned, and I was not excited. I was anxious...scared to death, in fact. I had feelings of guilt for selfishly taking anything away from my brother and sister-in-law's excitement.

So, along with a tiny little human, I was now dealing with a bit of grit in my spiritual life.

But this turn of events, while unexpected to me, was known by God from the beginning of time. And in His infinite grace, He had already set up a system of support and encouragement. He'd been preparing my heart. He'd been in the processing of opening my eyes for quite some time to His ways, which are higher than my ways, and His thoughts that are higher than my thoughts.

And at the time, while I couldn't imagine any of the reasons "WHY", I was resting in the knowledge of "WHO". I knew that He was in charge and had something in this that was for His glory.

So, like layer upon layer of nacre, this little person inside me was coated with prayer.

I withdrew to Scripture on my sickest days.

Friends provided encouragement and accountability on my grumpiest ones.

The bond of sharing in the pregnancy process together deepened my friendship with my sister-in-law.

And somehow, a pregnancy that was intially met with surprise, fear, and anxiety, has been growing into the lovliest of treasures in my life.

We are less than a month away from her birth now. But unlike a pearl of the sea, my prayer for this little girl is that the nacre of God's grace continues to grow around her long after she's taken out of the warm, comfortable depths of her current home.

She, too, will face grit in her life. There will be times I long to protect her from hurt, from pain, from suffering. But I know if I entrust her now to the faithful love of the Father, He will continue the work of growing her into a beautiful, irridescent pearl. And when she radiates with the glory of God (Oh, I pray that His glory is so evident in her life always), then the world will see the value and treasure that began with the tiniest, most unexpected little seed.

difficult relationship

As a child and into my teens I was sexually abused by my brother and some of his friends as well. I grew up with a very low self worth, moved out of my parents house after finding out my mother was having an affair with my brothers best friend who was only 18 at the time, and ended up getting pregnant at 16, and dropping out of high school. I contemplated about having the baby, but because of my drinking and drug use at the time I was scared that I might have hurt the baby and made the decision to terminate my pregnancy. Not much later I moved to another town and started partying way too much. I began stripping at club to pay for food and whatever else I might need. So much happened in this time period. I had horrible relationships where the people I trusted the most stole everything I owned from me. I tried heroine, and just about drank myself into the grave. I attempted suicide by overdosing on pills,and had God not woke me up from that I would have succeeded, and no one would have stopped me. Then after somehow semi recovering from that I met someone I thought that I would marry. When I found out after four years together that he had been cheating on me for months, it sent me off the deep end. I had a nervous break down, and moved to yet another town hoping to start over. I went into a shelter for battered women where I was faced with other peoples pain, and not just my own. It was there at about the age 23 that God really started to show me how to get over my own pains. I was standing in line for food the first morning. As I looked around the room at all the women with children I began to get extremely overwhelmed with sadness for them, and I felt how much they hurt. It hit me so hard I literally dropped to my knee's and began bawling my eye's out. Every woman in the room rushed to my side and held me and told me it would be alright, and I wanted to tell them I was crying for them, but I didn't. Over the next couple of weeks in the shelter God lead me as the only one in the place with a vehicle to drive some of the others around for applications for apartments and jobs. I completely forgot about my self, and my time was running out at the shelter. I read the bible and prayed every day just about all day at this point, and God told me I could survive in my car if I wanted to leave the shelter, so I gave the majority of what I owned away to those left in the shelter, and left before my time ran out. The first night out I had five dollars to my name and everything I owned was in my car. However I had left the blanket I owned at the shelter. So I went for a walk to find one somewhere so I would freeze in the middle of a winter storm. I walk down the street a couple blocks where a man was standing on the corner and asking for money. I felt I had it better than he did so I gave him the last five dollars I had, and feeling good I walked back towards my car only to find it was no longer there. I thought it had been stolen, so I called the police. They called around only to find out it had been towed away in the span of ten minutes!! This one incident landed me homeless and jobless for at least seven months, however in this time Jesus Christ manifested Himself to me more clearly than I had ever seen Him before. He guided me through every trial, and there were many. He fed me every day. He provided everything I needed to stay alive, and not only that, but be a better follower of Jesus. Jesus called me from the darkest place of my life an made me an entirely new person in Him. There is much that I didn't tell because I could write an entire book about all that I have been through and how God has taken all that was bad, and made it into something great for His glory in the end. I am now married and a mother of two, addiction free, and a christian singer and songwriter working for our church as a volunteer,and God is working miracles in my life everyday! I could Praise God every second of every day and it would NEVER be enough to thank Him for all He has done to help and save my life from destruction! I know that He has much more to do with me still,and I can't wait to see what He has in store for me to come! God bless and take care. The quote I used from the bible is “But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” and I believe this from my own personal experience. There is hope because God is much larger than ANY problem we may face. He always gets us through.

abuse

My name is Amy and I feel like I have a whole string of pearls in my collection. Being 53 years old, I have been through a lot of grit. I will share my story of grief of not being able to receive love.

I grew up in a household in which my mother and father did not say I love you and compliments were scarce. My father played many "tricks" on me. These tricks would harm me emotionally. Because they were done with a sense of humor, I really did not know the damage they were causing me. I learned to shut down my touch and feeling sensor. Being teased was my way of being loved.

We did not have alot of affection. My best memory of that is of getting tucked in at night. My dad would tuck the covers under my chin. This gives me comfort today.

I cannot convey to you the lack of feeling I grew up with. It took on many faces. Promiscuity, drinking, smoking, and a weird personality. It was in a therapist's office that I learned I was greiving the loss of love. WOW!

My husband of 27 years is a verbal man and when he told me he loved me and asked if I could tell hem back. I could not but it was okay with him. Through the years I still was numb. It was a process of going to church, listening to Moody raidio, TV stations, and many books. I started to be know God I tried to feel the love of Jesus as well. That was near impossible.

One day, however, I heard a story of someone singing "Jesus loves me" to reach out to God. The person thought this is elementary. But something inside(the Holy Spirit?) said to try it. I remember singing this song (I was alone in my bathroom) and finally feeling connected emotionally to Jesus. I was either 51 or 52 at the time.


loss/grief

If only he would get the chance. I knew Paul would be a great father. I knew it before I heard his heart wrenching cries when our second invitro fertilization failed. Somehow I knew it in my heart. And on that darkest of days, I could see it through his tears. If only.
Then came January. With tears streaming, I waited for Paul. Through sobs, I blurted, “It’s positive!” Six years of struggling had ended. Our firstborn was on his way. And I could see the joy through Paul’s tears—now, tears of a father.
Paul embodies the characteristics of a “best new dad.” He is loving, dedicated, attentive. He reads, plays, cuddles. But what puts Paul above others is the sacrifice he made for our son—long before Trey was born: the sacrifice of money. He decided that I would be a stay-at-home mom.
This decision may seem insignificant on the continuum of “best dads,” yet I believe the contrary. I believe it illustrates the depth of Pauls’s care and concern. He knew it would be a financial struggle. He knew he would have to sacrifice golf excursions and trips to Florida. He knew all of this. But he also knew it would be the best for his son. That was the bottom line. End of discussion. We prayed for the opportunity to be parents, and neither was taking it lightly.
Now, as Todd balances the checkbook, he never complains. He appreciates coming home for lunch to spend extra time with Trey. On numerous occasions, I have overheard him proudly telling others about me staying home. And although I contribute nothing financially, he always uses the term our money. How unselfish.
I hope Trey will remember playing catch, doing puzzles, and reading with his father. But I also hope Trey will recognize his unselfish sacrifice.
Sacrifice. The true essence of a father. All should know this from the wonderful example in John 3:16. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”


loss/grief

The Only Answer

By

Karen O'Connor



My heart pounded as I opened the door to Dr. Brady's waiting room. "This better work," I told myself sternly. It had taken all my courage to make this counseling appointment. Within minutes Dr. Brady ushered me into his office. "Make yourself comfortable," he said. "Tell me, what brought you here?"
I took a deep breath, then rushed through the chronology of events that led to our meeting. "Eighteen years ago I married a man I adored," I said, "but from the very beginning we were never close--you know, like a husband and wife should be. He's a very private person. I feel alone. And so do our children. Then there's the problem with money. And now there's another woman in his life and he wants to leave...and...what should I do?" I caught my breath, sat back in the chair, and waited--for the solution.
"How do you feel about all this?" Dr. Brady asked.
I was annoyed by his question. "What do you mean how do I feel?"
He persisted. "I'm wondering what it feels like to be treated so badly, to be in debt, to be...set aside for another woman."
"I don't know how I feel," I said, surprised by his observations. "No one's ever asked me that before. I've just tried to do what's right, but now I don't know what the right thing is. That's why I'm here."
Dr. Brady pulled his chair forward. "I don't have the answer," he said slowly, "but there is one. And you'll find it as we work together. It may take some time."
"I don't have time. My husband is going to leave. How can I make him stay?"
"You may not be able to," he said. "But you can discover what's right for yourself and for your children. We'll focus on that."
I didn't know where else to turn so I made another appointment and another and another. As I continued my work with Dr. Brady he asked about my spiritual life, what I knew about God. But I didn't see what any of this had to do with my troubled marriage.
Over time, Dr. Brady showed me that the hole in my soul had been there all along--even before I married my husband. I had been raised in a legalistic home and church, where rules felt more important than relationships. I was told what to do and I did it. Once again I expected that same formula to work. Find out the rules for putting my marriage and family back together and follow them. But this situation required more than a pat formula. My husband was already absent emotionally, and nearly physically. My children were confused and frightened. I was angry and hurt. Our debt was unmanageable.
The harder I tried to appeal to my husband and calm my children's fears the more apparent it was that I could not do this on my own power. Over time I realized that discovering the truth about myself was only the first step. It would mean nothing unless I also discovered the truth about God.
I stopped counseling after two years and then took up a quest for God that led me to a variety of churches, seminars, tapes and books. I prayed the best way I knew how, and attended a Bible study. I remember being especially struck by the Gospel of John--the message that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.
Then one chilly Tuesday morning in December as I was returning home from a walk along the beach, I came to the end of myself. Nothing made sense anymore. I sat down right where I was and sobbed.
"God," I cried out, "who are you? Where are you? Do you care anything about me? I've tried to find you. I want to know you."
Seconds passed. Then ever so gently a stream of familiar words came to mind. "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." I began shaking. I had read these words of Jesus Christ in John's gospel (14:6) dozens of times. Why did they sound so different now, I wondered. Then I knew. I had never let them in before. I had never heard them for myself.
But that day I did hear them--for me. I jumped up and whirled around. "Jesus Christ is the way to God," I shouted. And to think I almost missed Him. No higher power, life force, or spiritual guide had offered me such assurance.
Everything was new in that moment. I was no longer a victim of my husband's hurts against me. All have sinned and all fall short of the glory of God. That included me. I knew that from Paul's teaching (Romans 3:23) but until today I had never taken it to heart.
Jesus became the sacrifice for my sin by His death on the cross. I could hardly take it in. And by His resurrection from the dead, I was assured of eternal life.
No wonder I had not fully received this gift before. I had not seen myself as a sinner because I was too preoccupied with the sins others had committed against me. But that day I knew that I needed forgiveness as much as anyone else. Christ did not come for the righteous, but rather for sinners to repent. (Matt. 9:13). I was a sinner and I prayed that day for forgiveness as I put my faith and trust in Christ as my Savior.
"...he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life" (John 5:24). I began my new life that day.
Over twenty years have passed since that Tuesday afternoon when I first walked into Dr. Brady's office. The answers I had looked for then did not come in the way I had hoped or expected. But as Dr. Brady had promised, they did come. My husband left and did not come back. But Christ came and has not left.
My challenges did not clear up overnight. I didn't expect them to. What I did know, however, with absolute certainty, was that there was nothing in my life that I could not survive and triumph over as long as Jesus Christ is at the center. And that has proven true in all the years since.


loss/grief

When I was 11 years old my families 'perfect' life came crashing around us. Within a few months my dad suffered a grand maul seizure, my 54 year old Grandpa suddenly passed away, our car broke down, our well pipes broke, my mom gave birth with difficulties to a new brother and my 16 year old brother was diagnosed with a rare bone cancer. After all that pain we were thrust into a year when my parents would spend 5 months at the hospital with my brother going through surgeries and chemo and I would be home with 3 younger siblings as temporary mom. Pretty soon into that year I realized that everything I tried to do on my own, I couldn't and I needed God's help. I asked Him to be my Savior, to give me joy and give my life purpose. Over the last 13 years, not only did I come to the Lord, but we've watched God bring nearly all of our extended into HIS family.

loss/grief